Vent Session

This is completely a random stream of consciousness post. Bear with me here. Ms. Kreis (my favorite HS English teacher) said this is an acceptable form of prose.

So I'm about one year into my Weight Watchers journey. And I must say I thought I'd be much farther along. About 70 pounds less "farther along". I just figured 2 pounds a week, give or take, equals 104 pounds lost. I def thought I'd be maintaining by now. But it I am. And I'm trying, really trying, not to feel like a failure. I KNOW I've come far. Really far. I look so much better than I did last year at this time. I'm exceptionally happier now than I was a year ago. Things fit that didn't fit a year ago. I even have a butt now. But dammit if the number on the scale doesn't drive me absolutely crazy. And the speed of this weight loss is just so frustrating.

I don't ever want to go back. And when I get nervous that I might, I snap into shape. But I don't want to be here. I want to be somewhere else. I want the number on the scale to go down. I want to buy all brand new clothes. The compliments are awesome. They motivate me daily. Truly. The women at my office literally keep me going to the gym with their motivation and compliments. But it's not enough. And I'm scared that I won't find my motivation. I can envision where I want to be. I can picture my goal. But why is this so hard?

Fat girls, or at least this one, have been trying to slay this dragon for years. The scale goes down, it goes up. You look great in one photo and redick in others. Your friends run and lose. You run and keep running. You can't figure it out, and Lord knows you've read every blog, every book, tried every machine at the gym, set goals (big and small) and for the life of you, you can't figure it out. It feels like you have so much farther to go than everyone else. Like you have to work that much harder than everyone else. Like you have to be stronger than everyone else and more resilient and more willing to keep pushing when you think DAMN I JUST WANT TO BE NORMAL. I don't want to be extraordinary. I just want to be normal.

So I'll get up tomorrow and do it again. Start again. Hit reset until I get it right.