Baby Imma Be Your Motivation

Why I Live in a Cycle...

I know no one reads my blog, but I have to share this graph (via Ezra Klein via NYT):


I can't get off.

Vent Session

This is completely a random stream of consciousness post. Bear with me here. Ms. Kreis (my favorite HS English teacher) said this is an acceptable form of prose.

So I'm about one year into my Weight Watchers journey. And I must say I thought I'd be much farther along. About 70 pounds less "farther along". I just figured 2 pounds a week, give or take, equals 104 pounds lost. I def thought I'd be maintaining by now. But it I am. And I'm trying, really trying, not to feel like a failure. I KNOW I've come far. Really far. I look so much better than I did last year at this time. I'm exceptionally happier now than I was a year ago. Things fit that didn't fit a year ago. I even have a butt now. But dammit if the number on the scale doesn't drive me absolutely crazy. And the speed of this weight loss is just so frustrating.

I don't ever want to go back. And when I get nervous that I might, I snap into shape. But I don't want to be here. I want to be somewhere else. I want the number on the scale to go down. I want to buy all brand new clothes. The compliments are awesome. They motivate me daily. Truly. The women at my office literally keep me going to the gym with their motivation and compliments. But it's not enough. And I'm scared that I won't find my motivation. I can envision where I want to be. I can picture my goal. But why is this so hard?

Fat girls, or at least this one, have been trying to slay this dragon for years. The scale goes down, it goes up. You look great in one photo and redick in others. Your friends run and lose. You run and keep running. You can't figure it out, and Lord knows you've read every blog, every book, tried every machine at the gym, set goals (big and small) and for the life of you, you can't figure it out. It feels like you have so much farther to go than everyone else. Like you have to work that much harder than everyone else. Like you have to be stronger than everyone else and more resilient and more willing to keep pushing when you think DAMN I JUST WANT TO BE NORMAL. I don't want to be extraordinary. I just want to be normal.

So I'll get up tomorrow and do it again. Start again. Hit reset until I get it right.

The Simple Things

This is no big deal to most people I know, so you probably won't really understand even if you kind of think you do. The feeling of walking into a regular clothing store and buying a dress/shirt/pair of pants/belt that fits well today is one for which I don't have words. It fits now. Not in a few weeks when you've lost a little more. Not if you go home and get the right bra. Not if you suck in or wear a jacket. But right now. And it's not a specialty store or a plus-size department, but just a regular, old store. A store where your friends shop. It makes you feel normal for the first time in a long time. This journey has been full of huge ups and major downs (springtime slump anyone???). But it's really the simple things that make it worth it.

Mirror Mirror on the Wall

Today was a bad day. No really. It sucked. Ice Cube knows nothing about this. And quite frankly, I'm glad it's almost over (it's 10:47pm EDT). But today I learned some things about myself, and that's a pretty important for growth and personal development and stuff. I guess everyday I'm learning more and more about me. About who I am. About what I can handle and what I expect. About what I deserve. And even about what I really really love, but have to learn to live without (even if I don't want to, and especially when I hope it's short lived).

One thing I know about me, though, is I can't live without mirrors. I like looking at myself. I haven't always, but everyone was a teenager at some point, right? This morning my mirror told me that yes I did look as bad as I felt. Like, whoa. It also told me that my fave eyeshadow can do wonders along with a little highlighter and primer. But the most important thing a mirror told me today is that I'm doing a good job. This evening was the first time I saw a good change in my body. Less where there should be less, and more where there should be more. And I swear that made a huge difference this evening. I think when you're trying to lose weight, you're often the last person to really notice. You might see it here or there, usually not in the places you want to lose, but not as quickly as those who care about you notice. But today, I saw it. Finally, I saw the change. That mirror on the wall told me I'm doing a good job. That I'm achieving. That slow and steady wins the race. And sometimes we have to go without in order to get what we really want. And what we want is usually just a better, stronger version of what we already have. Life 2.0. Thank you, mirror. I may not be the fairest of them all, but I am me.

Shout out to my girlfriends. I love you.

Because you know I love my hair, too

Someone figure out how to make this a ringtone :)



This would have been helpful for my mom to play every hour during our marathon hair sessions as a kid (can you say sitting still for 8 hours...). It may have put it in context a bit.

By the way, I've lost 17 pounds and the GOP plans to impeach President Obama in 2011. AWESOME!

Update

Just keeping you all posted. I've lost 11.2 pounds. I'm about 3 pounds from my first goal. I'm excited. And I feel like I'm meeting body all over again. Like I've been away from it for a long time and now we're getting back together. It's pretty awesome. That's all. Just wanted to let you all know.