Today was a bad day. No really. It sucked. Ice Cube knows nothing about this. And quite frankly, I'm glad it's almost over (it's 10:47pm EDT). But today I learned some things about myself, and that's a pretty important for growth and personal development and stuff. I guess everyday I'm learning more and more about me. About who I am. About what I can handle and what I expect. About what I deserve. And even about what I really really love, but have to learn to live without (even if I don't want to, and especially when I hope it's short lived).
One thing I know about me, though, is I can't live without mirrors. I like looking at myself. I haven't always, but everyone was a teenager at some point, right? This morning my mirror told me that yes I did look as bad as I felt. Like, whoa. It also told me that my fave eyeshadow can do wonders along with a little highlighter and primer. But the most important thing a mirror told me today is that I'm doing a good job. This evening was the first time I saw a good change in my body. Less where there should be less, and more where there should be more. And I swear that made a huge difference this evening. I think when you're trying to lose weight, you're often the last person to really notice. You might see it here or there, usually not in the places you want to lose, but not as quickly as those who care about you notice. But today, I saw it. Finally, I saw the change. That mirror on the wall told me I'm doing a good job. That I'm achieving. That slow and steady wins the race. And sometimes we have to go without in order to get what we really want. And what we want is usually just a better, stronger version of what we already have. Life 2.0. Thank you, mirror. I may not be the fairest of them all, but I am me.
This would have been helpful for my mom to play every hour during our marathon hair sessions as a kid (can you say sitting still for 8 hours...). It may have put it in context a bit.
By the way, I've lost 17 pounds and the GOP plans to impeach President Obama in 2011. AWESOME!
Just keeping you all posted. I've lost 11.2 pounds. I'm about 3 pounds from my first goal. I'm excited. And I feel like I'm meeting body all over again. Like I've been away from it for a long time and now we're getting back together. It's pretty awesome. That's all. Just wanted to let you all know.
These days it seems like folks throw around the word "addiction" with reckless abandon. Tiger Woods is addicted to sex. Kirk Franklin to porn. Lindsay Lohan to crack. You get my gist. Video games, internet, shopping, chocolate, exercising, etc. Well like Chris Rock joked, when you start to hear all the symptoms associated with illnesses that the drug companies can cure with their pills, you start thinking you're sick too (oh yeah, don't forget painkiller addiction). I say all that to say I don't know if I'm addicted to food or not. Or if maybe the media is telling me that I am.
I could certainly do a bunch of research on addiction, but I do have a day job. So that's not happening right now. I do know, though, that if I am addicted to food, it's not like I can just go cold turkey and stop eating, which actually kind of stinks. Alcoholics need to swear off liquor. Even Tiger can decide become celibate (but with that new facial hair he's sporting, something tells me he doesn't plan to). But I can't decide not to eat ever again. I mean I can, but I don't think it's really a good idea.
I've been wondering for a while if I'm addicted to food. I don't think I am, though. I can turn things down. But I have some very strong weaknesses, and I wonder if maybe I'm addicted to some foods. Like brownies. Turning down a brownie is just not something I do very well. Turning down a piece of cake is not a piece of cake (who came up with that diddy anyway? How is a piece of cake easy?). A meeting at work made me think of addiction earlier today. Someone brought these very cute frosted cookies with the name of our project iced on them. Two weeks ago I would have eaten one without too much thought. But today, I didn't touch one. But I sure thought about the cookie. I thought about how it wasn't worth it to eat it. I thought about how I had no idea how to calculate the points in it. I thought about how it probably didn't taste all that fabulous anyway. I thought about the guilt I'd feel afterward for wasting my allocated points on it. So I didn't eat it. But man I thought about it. And had it been a slice of yellow cake with chocolate frosting, I'm not sure I would have resisted.
So am I addicted? I don't know. Yesterday I was watching a movie. There's a scene in a bar, and the two characters leave their almost-full glasses of stout beer (my fave) on the bar and walk out. Befuddled, I whispered, "Drink the beer," a little too forcefully. I could taste it on my tongue. I could feel it going down my throat. My reaction startled me. The beer was completely not the point of the scene, but it was my focus. Who leaves a full glass of beer on a bar? There's a scene in the show "The West Wing" in which Leo McGarry, the president's chief of staff, is explaining his alcoholism to someone else. He says he doesn't understand people who leave some of their drink in the glass. Why not finish it? Why would you not finish it? Why would you have just one glass? He doesn't understand that, or at least has never experienced the feeling.
And neither have I.
One drink. One cookie. One brownie. Not finishing the glass. I've never experienced the desire. I can leave lots of things on my plate. Rice. Pizza crust. The leafy greens.I can leave that easily. I don't finish my water all the time. But cake crumbs? The frosting? The last drop of wine? Not so much.
Maybe I'm exaggerating a bit. This weekend (Friday, Saturday, and Sunday) I wanted a cupcake. I even planned to go get one. But I didn't. I resisted, and it was no big deal. So maybe I'm not addicted. My boyfriend keeps ice cream and candy and cookies (SAMOAS!!!) in his kitchen all the time. He doesn't eat them (which I just don't understand at all) and of course they taunt me. But I didn't eat any this weekend. So maybe I'm not an addict. Maybe now I'm just really paying attention in a way that I haven't in a really long time.
But it lends the question, if I am an addict, what will be my next addiction? You know they say (there "they" go again) that once an addict, always an addict, and if you end one addiction you just pick up another. What will be my next addiction? It won't be alcohol because that has calories, and I found myself turning down a glass of wine and a bottle of beer on two separate occasions because I just didn't know the nutritional info of either of them. And drugs scare me. Actually, jail scares me, so it won't be something illegal. And I just doubt it will be running or Spinning or something like that (oh, but if I could pick my poison). What will I do in excess? I have a feeling shopping might be a disastrously strong contender.
Why can't I find something guilt-free and productive to make my obsession?
I lost weight this week :) I'm happy but I feel somewhat indifferent about it. I know this wasn't really a great week for me. I didn't work out. I was sick, so I get it, but still. I ate out a lot, including two stops at McDonald's. I also ate a lot of frozen meals. I stayed within in my points everyday, but I don't feel like I did as well as I could have.
But on the flip side, I really did think about my food choices for the first time in quite a while. I passed on lots of things (whaddaya mean no Rita's?) and realized just how many calories and grams of fat are in some of my favorite foods, foods I had allowed myself to eat too often (whaddaya mean a Rita's blendini is the equivalent of a pretty nice dinner?). So this was an eye opener. I don't think I was in denial about what I was eating or not eating or doing or not doing. I think I just wasn't really paying attention. Neglect is one of the worst thing you can do to a relationship. That goes for the relationship you have with yourself, too.
So this week will be different. I'm still learning a lot: what I like, what I don't, what makes me full,what I do when I really REALLY want some pizza but know I shouldn't have some (Pizza was my thing this week. Not really sure why. So I had some yesterday. Was it worth it? Yes, but only because I really, really wanted it and because I planned for it. I thought about it and made some decisions (buy a small so there won't be leftovers, eat a salad with it, don't over indulge). But is it worth it everyday? Not at all. And even though I "knew" that the last time I had some, now I can really quantify it.) This week, I will cook (microwaving counts) and I will work out. I still will eat some frozen meals, and I may stop at McDonald's (the salads are pretty good. so are the apple dippers.) But that's ok. One of these days I'll actually pull out a cookbook and use my crock pot.
I'm sick. And I HATE being sick. But today hasn't been too bad really. Caught up on bad black movies featuring all of the UPN rejects and Young and the Restless and everything in my Google Reader. And hey two posts in one week!
But I'm still sick which means I'm not working out and that kinda stinks. It takes seven times (or something) for an activity to become a habit. Well, the gym stopped being a habit for me about a eleven months and I'm having trouble getting back into my rhythm. So down for the count isn't helping. Oh well. There is tomorrow.
But back to my blog reading. So in just about every black-oriented blog I read today, someone mentioned Montana Fishburne (who I think looks a lot like Akeelah and the Bee, and wasn't Laurence Fishburne in that movie?) and her horrific decision to make a porn for attention. But she pretty much succeeded, right? We didn't know she existed until this past weekend, and now she's received her 5 minutes of fame. I don't know what will happen when the flick actually drops, but we at least know who she is now. And now maybe her daddy will help her break into the biz just so she doesn't embarrass everyone from the School Daze cast. Maybe that was her point after all. Either way, she wins I guess.
It's been a long time since I posted something. I'm sorry. I need a netbook. That might help.
Well I might be changing the focus of this blog a bit. I hope you don't mind (and I don't really care...sorry). It's time for me to get real about my life from top to bottom. I've switched jobs, which has been AMAZING. My new boss is wonderful and I actually have stuff to do. And she's nice, which is more than I can say for some of my past superiors.
I'm still going strong in my relationship with my boyfriend. Three and half years, and going strong.
I have a wonderful family, wonderful relationships, and a wonderful job. So what do I mean, "Starting Over?"
Well it's time for me to get the physical together.
I'm huge. Maybe not the hugest person in America or at my office or whatever. But I'm often the biggest person in the room, biggest person in the photo, etc. And that's just not cool. Plus I'm getting old. Maybe not the oldest person in America or at my office or whatever. But still. I want to have babies and to play with them and to be cute in my maternity clothes (and my non-maternity clothes).
I saw a picture that a friend took of me this past weekend in one of my favorite dresses. Let's just say I won't be wearing that dress anymore this summer. I was appalled. And shocked honestly. I've never seen myself like that before, and it's not cool. #Unacceptable.
It's time. It's over time. So this is my start. I plan to tell you all about the trek to losing this weight.
I just signed up for Weight Watchers (3rd time's a charm, right?) and talked to my boss about working out at the office. I promised the guy at the gym he's see more of me again, and I promised myself too. It's time.
So I'm starting over. I'm going to cook. I'm going to sweat. And I'm going to succeed. It's hard to explain how failure feels, and even harder to explain how it feels to fail multiple times at the same thing (it's not even allowed in the justice system). But I've done it. And I may fail again. But I'm not going to stop trying this time. I'm going to keep at it. I may never be a size 6 (uh...actually I know I'll never be) but that's not even what I want. I just want to be a better version of me (how could it even get better than this though?????? )
Thanks for the support in advance. I appreciate it.
I love my alma mater! The first time I ran to a bonfire (2000, football win). I put on make up. And we were a little late. But it was awesome. The last time I ran to Route 1 ('03, backetball) BET's Hits was there taping, talking about the crazy white kids. It's tradition. A new one, but a fun one. But let's all be real; it's not a riot. Riots are angry. Terps do this for wins. Riots are violent. This, not so much. Clumsy, yes, but not violent. It's all fun as long as no one gets hurt. And if you get hurt, honestly, you were probably stupid and in the way. #imjustsaying :o) Have Fun Terps!! I sure know I did!
And because it's ever so fitting, here's a joke my mom sent me today:
And God Created Maryland God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired, "Where have you been?" God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made." Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?" "It's a planet," replied God, and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance." "Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused." God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things. God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice." The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?" "That's Maryland, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and plains. The people from Maryland are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things." Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance..." God smiled, "Right next to Maryland is Washington, DC. Wait till you see the idiots I put there."
Since the last time I blogged, it's snowed more times than I thought possible for the DC area in one winter. There was a time I would have loved it. That was about 15 years ago. When I didn't have a car. And no one wanted me to shovel snow. And I just slept all day anyway. (well, I did get 5 days off for it now...cool) But snow as an adult pretty much stinks. I can't WAIT for spring (however, the first tourist-spotting occurred yesterday. seriously, snow and now tourists? geezy peezy...).
But now I don't know where to get my weather.
Bob Ryan has given me the weather and helped me plan for field trips, and days at the beach, and (one) day on the slopes, and starlit nights with my sweetie, and helped me decide what to wear (tights or shorts in high school, suede or leather now) everyday (give or take) since I was born on a Friday night in December 27 years ago. Seriously. I feel like I know this man. And now WRC is just letting him go. Which pretty much stinks. Snow, tourists, and now this.
I cried watching that video.
A few years ago, WRC (channel 4) let go of Arch Campbell (Entertainment) and George Michael (Sports) to save money. The 11 o'clock news consisted of Jim Vance, Doreen Gentzler, George, Bob, Arch and sometimes Pat Collins, for the past 20-some years. It was like watching a bunch of boys fool around with a camcorder with the one girl who actually wanted to get something done. They were the ultimate team. Jim and George were the cool guys who all the girls liked. A little too fast for their own good, really (a little cocaine in the 80s, that's all). Doreen was the smart one, keeping them in line. Arch, the drama kid, with his plaid fedora and awesome movie reviews (though I haven't forgiven him for the 2 stars for the Little Mermaid). And then there's Bob. The nerd. The geek. The one with the corny jokes that still make you laugh. He was Screech. And everyone loves Screech. You know George and Jim laughed at him, but they'd never let anyone else do it.
So to Bob, I love you and I will miss you. I miss Arch (I just can't bring myself to watch channel 7), and I really miss George (RIP). And now I can't believe I have to say goodbye to you, too.
