Tourists

I have a special relationship with Metro, the subway system in Washington, DC. I even call myself Metro Royalty (explanation at a later date). And even though it's going through a rough patch right now (bad economy, old rails and cars, etc), and I complain about it often, I still love it.

What I don't love, though, is the Metro in the springtime. And it's not Metro's fault. It's the tourists.

I.

Hate.

Tourists.

I'm not exaggerating. I hate them. They're good for the economy and I totally understand why they want to visit in the spring (cherry blossoms & low humidity) especially with the new First Family, now plus dog.

But I still hate them.

Tourists, please don't stand in front of the Metro map studying it for 5 stops only to realize you're going in the wrong direction (you're heading into the Hood!). On the escalator, please walk on the left and stand on the right. This is America. That's how we drive, it's how we ride our bikes, and walk down the sidewalk. Why, when you get on a Metro escalator, do you suddenly think you're in Paris and that everything is opposite? I mean come on.

Please stop wearing your Washington, DC, sweatshirts all around town with your fanny packs and cameras and maps and sunscreen. Don't ask me where is the Mall. Figure it out. It's only the HUGE swath of land in the middle of the city. Plus, you don't go anywhere else but the Mall. Use the Smithsonian stop. Pretty easy, because you know you're going to go to a Smithsonian museum. You don't go anywhere else. Just use some sense!

Recognize that people actually work in this town. It's more than the Capitol (actually a place of business, though) and the White House (again, another office building really), but lots of buildings in between where people work. And when you stand in the middle of the street with your class of 8th graders from Cedar Rapids (let's hear it for gay marriage in the prairies), that lady with the crocs on and carrying a tote bag, checking her blackberry is not a chaperone missing her flock. She's actually an underpaid worker, probably trying to desperately get to her office to make sure that your tax dollars are spent wisely.

I'm being harsh. But really, just move to the right. We'll pass on the left. It can be a match made in heaven. Stimulate the economy and we'll get a few good laughs. We like it when you visit our town. But really we can't wait for you to leave. I'll take a humid July over a mild April any day. When I walk out into the sauna like atmosphere, I at least know I can get a seat on the Red Line. And no one will ask me if they're heading towards Virginia. Trust me. I'm not heading to Virginia.


(OMG, They're EVERYWHERE!!!!)